trust..........

"there was never a doubt in my mind that you would get through it. I know you are going to ace the next round and get in! And i know you will do a good job so that you can have a choice of where to study! I always knew it and believed it. You will do it ma! I know it!!" said A. Her statements after i told her for the nth time that i had cleared the first hurdle of my entrance exam!

It didn't hit me till much later that they way she said it, with the total honest and unwavering straightforwardness made me realize that i can and i will!! The simplicity of her words coupled with her blind trust in what she said helped make me stronger. I believe that i needed to hear those words, those exact same words from someone who couldn't even think anything other than that is even possible made me believe it too!

Not to say that all of my friends didn't believe it, or for that matter said it..........but what she said, the way she said, when she said it, how she said it all made a big difference! Everyone was happy for my absolute joy, but A's acknowledgement of the success at the same time, looking into the future and still having the faith in me to know that it will all turn out for the best helped my nerves! No wonder i call her "my common sense"!

one of my fav poems......

Funeral Blues by W. H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum,

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aero planes circle moaning overhead,

Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

waiting around......

for the past couple of weeks, my life for the next couple of months seems to be all about waiting for stuff!!.....yeah, yeah.....you don't have to wait for stuff to happen to you......you have to go out and get it!!..........grab the bull by its horns........or balls??!............

but, it isn't easy.......is it?!......the next waiting around i am doing is for a trip......to go and be with my soulmate......and just forget about everything for a little while!!........but i'll never actually, completely forget it, will i?!......its always there at the back of my mind......poking me.....nudging me.........reminding me!!........and after the trip........a couple of arrivals!!.....which i'm really looking forward to say the least.........being with my moma......just enjoying the summer!!

i wish that was all there is to it......but.....it is the fact that i have a very important half result of a very important exam due in april......followed by another test whose result will be out in june!! this waiting for almost more than 3 months to find out if my life will follow the path that i intended to isn't doing any favours to my state of mind!!.......this being the biggest weight on my shoulders!!......And importantly, i'm NOT PATIENT at all!!........I HATE WAITING!!!......

the most affected parts of me by this seem to be my sleep and my appetite!!........i accept that i have always had problems with them.........this new developments are added concern which again is causing worry which result in more loss of sleep and appetite........basically, it's like a "vicious circle".......and honestly speaking, i don't know a way out of it!!! I have become unnecessarily emotional and irritated about literally everything due to this!!

its like all my life is being sucked out, waiting........just bloody, fucking waiting for what is supposed to happen!!......and there is absolutely nothing i can do to hasten it!!........believe me, if i could have, i would have!!......i am left to trying to ignore this......the anticipation.....the looking forward to it.......the constant state of expectation..........its something like......an animal waiting to pounce on its prey..........how long can anyone stay in that position.......in that animated yet very suspended state of life........of just waiting.......waiting to know if you were successful.........

so, how long before it becomes too much?! how long before you stop feeling anything because you have tried to numb the one thing that is bugging you and you end up numbing everything else but that one thing??! how long before it hurts constantly?! how long before you can't take it anymore??! how long before you give up??!.............am i supposed to "wait" for these answers too???!!

Trials and Tribulations with a HOUSE-LIZARD!!!.............somebody HELP ME!!.....

Okay, for those of you who are unaware........i am SCARED of lizards!!.......terrified actually.......i can't stand them........i am not joking when i say i get heart palpitations when i see one close to me!!!

I don't know when it started or how......but for as long as i remember, i hated them.....i'm disgusted by them!!.......you know what, i really feel sorry for them at times.......they haven't necessarily done me any harm........but it is one of those innate feelings that i cant get rid off!! I maintain a distance of at least 5 feet from them all the time!!.......if the room isn't 5 feet long.....you can bet your sweet ass, i will be in the other room!!.........i have tried to figure out why i radiate such intense hate for this seemingly peaceful creature??!

I can't come up with any reason!!......honest, i have been trying to figure this out for the past 10-12 years......no answer!!.........i hate the way it looks........the flesh-coloured flesh..........the crawling.......the tongue.......the noise it makes like a door banging.......scary!!......but most of all, its the eyes.......the way it looks at you..........as if it wants to gobble me up........just twist its long tongue around my body like a mummy and just devour me!! Ohhh......and the little ones........always springy and fearless........one of them actually almost touched my hand while i was trying to drive it out of the window!!..........they are small and slightly blackish-grey......every time i set my eyes on one of the small ones, i feel like its on me.......like its going to just crawl up my nostrils or mouth or ears......then grow up ......and lay eggs in my body.......and there will be little, wriggly babies running inside me and then they will all come spewing out of my nose, ears, belly, eyes, mouth!!.......ok, enough of that visual.......i'm suppressing shudders here....... I once saw a dead lizard floating in a tub of water........the worst day of my life.........i kept dreaming the whole night that i had unknowingly drank that water and i kept vomiting dead lizards........nightmare......you get the idea!!??!

I know, i know......its probably as scared of me if not more as i am!! But......but......its ICKY!!........uuuurrrrrgggghhhhhh.............I CAN NOT STAND THEM!!.......and probably some day i am going to really suffer because of it!!.......but hey, i never killed any of them!!....i never hurt any of them.....i just want to drive them out of my house walls........is it too much to ask if i just don't want them in my house.........just roam around the house as much as you want!!.....i will hold arrows that point to the nearest exit if you want me to.......just don't come inside......please.........i will leave you in peace.......just roam outside all you want!!......the thing is.......they stay out all winter.......but the moment it starts to get hot......they all come crawling back inside!! .......I will willingly provide ac outdoors.........i will bear all the costs.........just stay outside........DON'T COME INSIDE!!.......PLEASE.....?!

Coming to the reason behind this post, i think one of them is out to get me!!.....am not delusional or kidding...........i spotted a huge lizard in my kitchen the other day.......and boy was it ugly?! It was HUGEEEE.........at least an inch wide.......more than 5 inches long.........and weirdly.......greyish in color.........and a bit scaly?!!.......maybe its a new breed?? Or an offspring of mixed species......i don't know......anyway, since it was on the kitchen plank and i had some work....i tried to make it got out of the window by shushing it......it wouldn't just move.......i had to bang some utensils really loudly to make it more......and it would move an inch or so and stop..............i started panicking at this time.......and it wasn't going anywhere near the window......it just refused to climb the wall.......instead moved leisurely on the plank.......crawled.........all the while, staring at me intently.........with its HUGE, POPPING black eyes........somehow it got into the wash basin and refused to move despite my repeated attempts to get it out of there as i had work there.....it would not move........i didn't want try to even sprinkling water at it.......what if it jumps at me??!! The HORROR.......it hadn't moved from its place even an hour later!!

Later that night, i could no longer go to the wash basin............i flinched and checked thrice before approaching it......the paranoia it induced is humiliating to admit!!......but hold your horses people.........i was sitting in the sofa......watching tv.......i happen to glance at the wall between the two sofas........and there it is!!.......the very same grey scaly black eyed one......looking at me.....intently.........i wish i was making this up........but i am not.......i shrieked and got out of my chair......staring at it in disbelief.........when, i kid you not.......it flicked its tongue at me!!.......its long slimey tongue........and it gave me a once over with its scary eyes and slowly moved away........what does it want from me??! Really??!.....is it the harbinger of my death??!.....was it sent to torture me??!!.......does it like me??!.......and is stalking me??!.....long shot........i sat the rest of the night far away in another sofa.......glancing at the wall..........every 5 minutes!! ..........

Today, about an hour back, i went to the dining room to get a glass of water.......i filled up the glass, drank it......and then was filling up the glass to take it back to the tv room.........when i happen to glance at the floor...............and there it is...........on the floor.............STARING AT ME WITH ITS HEAD LIFTED!!..............aaaaaaahhhhhhhh..............i shreaked, definitely waking up the neighbours.......dropped the jug of water, spilling it all over the table..........i drew back.......while still staring at me......it came towards me!!.........i believe i had a little heart-attack then and there!!...........and then slowly...........giving me a knowing look, it made its way back to the kitchen........i was standing there paralyzed with fear............it was like staring death in the face!!........and i survived..........but how much longer??!

So, in conclusion.........if i die under mysterious circumstances in the near future........and all you find is a suspicious lizard-like mark on my body........you know who the murder is!!..........and i'm not blowing it out of proportions..........find the guilty lizard and persecute it........this goes to all my friends!!..........and coming to my will......everything......all of my belongings.......it all goes to my SOULMATE!!........GOODBYE WORLD, it been a blast while it lasted!!.......will miss every one........LOVE YOU ALL..........MUAHHHH......

caffeine and cravings!!!

As i may have hinted numerous times in my previous posts, i am dealing with a very stimulating addiction to coffee!!!........but many of the people in my life don't seem to approve of our very *precious* relationship??!........

A few cases in point:

my moma – you are ruining your teeth!! You are surviving only on it!!.....your teeth look horrible!!..........don't drink too much of it!! Not good for you..........why don't you eat instead?! (this very person downs large glassfuls of it every time she has a "headache"........and she has been suffering from migraine attacks since from before i was born and they happen every week, mostly on Mondays!!? Go figure........)

my dude – we are running out of milk in the house because of the numerous times you are drinking coffee! Why don't you just eat instead??! Is this the reason why you aren't eating?! (this from the person who is known among my whole family to make the most DELICIOUS coffee ever!!.....hands down, no questions asked!!?)

my supposed *bestestest* friend – this the reason you stay awake the whole night and sleep the whole day!! Don't drink coffee in the night before you sleep or in the morning?!! (When then?? Leave aside the fact that he taught me a new way of preparing coffee, that as he puts it "releases all the flavours"!!)

my dear friend who hates coffee – i hate coffee, i don't understand how you can have it so many times!! You know who drinks coffee so many times?! Jobless people who have nothing better to do!! Why do you have it so many times??! that is because you have nothing better to do!!(he may have hit the nail in the head!!!)

my bff – when did u get this addicted to coffee??! But why??! Why don't we just go to a coffee shop?! I can understand having it in the morning but why in the evenings or the nights or any other time??! (i can say with great pride that she is slowly become like me.........muahahaha......i am dragging her down with me!! Every time i spend a night at her place, i induct her into the hall of caffeinaholics a little more!! Hehehe.......)

my soulmate – she is the only one who, i can honestly say, is addicted to this wonderful drug like me!! After all, she is my "soulmate"!!! (we have had some of our conversations over steaming, hot cups(remember the huge cups from F*R*I*E*N*D*S).....oh yeah...that big.......granted we were in different cities and it happened over the phone!! oh look, even she wrote about it!! )

My introduction to coffee began very early in life, when i was 5 or 6 years old!! i know very young right??! Well, my moma didn't have any choice. I used to puke my guts out at the very sight and especially, smell of milk.......after repeated futile attempts to force-feed me milk in the morning which resulted in me puking all over her, she gave in and began making me drink coffee!!.......ahhhh......those days when my moma would cradle me and feed me hot, piping cup of coffee every morning(as i refused to eat anything at all) before i had to go to school while showing me that my auto is waiting for me......and everyone in the auto screaming that they were getting late because of my very early rising from bed were the most fun days ever!!......

After this very enthusiastic and promising induction to the coffee paradise, my craving to it took a serious back seat for quite some time........it could be the move to another city and then a move back to my hometown ......all that bullshit distracted me from my true love.......*sigh*

It started slowly again when i was 15.......slowly, seductively........with once in 3 days.........after having tiffins for dinner.........because lets face it, every South-Indian breakfast/snack/meal is incomplete without a freshly brewed steel glass full of filter-coffee!!.........aaahhhhh, heaven!!..........and since my moma and dude had so much time, we constantly had filter-coffee........which always brought back memories of filter-coffee and breakfast made by my grandma who sat surrounded by all her grandchildren handing us the glasses listening to our moans about why some got more and others got less!!.........this period of my coffee love were driven by the nostalgia........often just breathing the vapours with closed eyes......reminded me of the times with my grandparents!!

This slowly progressed to me making myself instant coffee(NESCAFE!!) after a long day.......to calm down my sprinting mind........most people drink it to stay awake.......i drink it to soothe myself.......wish i knew the logistics behind the reverse effect!! Then came the "coffee shops".........REVOLUTION........truly and completely.......disguised as a place to sit and spend hours with friends.......but turning coffee-haters into coffee lovers.........with very expensive drinks that they call "coffee" but in fact is 1% coffee powder and rest covered up with milk, chocolate, cream, foam, ice cream and various other unnecessary ingredients!!..........NOT GOOD COFFEE.......anyway, people either found their calling after this experience or didn't!!.......oh ignorant souls.........buy coffee powder and actually smell it to know what coffee is actually is about!!

More often than not my coffee intake depends on my mood that particular day.......not that it affects the amount of caffeine i crave!! Its not just consuming it........it is all about letting it engulf you.......tasting it........letting your tongue discover the many flavour it can offer........that is left to us to unlock...........it tantalizes us........it plays hide and seek with us.......but every sip should be preceded by a sniff..........a deep breath of the earthy, intoxicating whiff........that fills you up.....that takes the whole drinking part of it to another level.........and yes, oh god yes, it's very orgasmic!!.........and every time i have it, its like i am making sweet love to it............and it in turn returns the favour a thousand fold!!..........it is an event each time.........an occasion to look forward too!!......no wonder i am addicted to it!!! its a LOVE AFFAIR!!......

And yes, i started this post having a coffee.................and writing it........remembering everything about it has made me want it badly again......................so, i am off to enjoy my morning glass of coffee.........leaving you to discover the pleasures of this wonderful legal drug!!!

feeling like a million bucks.......a billion, trillion and whatever comes after that....bucks?!??

unlike many of the other feelings......this never creeps up on you.......you always see it coming.....and you know that you will be enjoy it while it lasts!!.......that absolutely wonderful time when you feel your best!!! When you love everything and everyone around you........and you actually look forward to the next day!!

it might have started because your felt good when you woke up.....or someone complemented you......or you had a good time with your besties.......or a good day at home.......or retail therapy.....or one of those rare day when you feel beautiful......i mean, fucking amazingly gorgeous!!

no matter how it starts out or who causes it.......its like a domino effect!!.......basically the opposite of Murphy's Law!!....i know hard to believe.......but seriously......honestly, you may start out with something good......and suddenly.....oh look, your favourite songs are being played on tv......one after the other........everything you seems to do miraculously turns out brilliantly!!......i swear to god, my tea never ever tasted this delicious good......and trust me when i say i make "amazing" tea!! You feel a general sense of well-being which is a real change and welcomed with open arms and hugged tightly!!

you smile at everything and nothing.......you smile to yourself and others......often receiving surprised and puzzled looks in return!! But you are so blissfully unaware that you smile even wider!! You walk with a definite spring in your step.......feeling your hair flying in the air.....flipping it naughtily!!......and you check your reflection everywhere possible......admiring yourself.......catching glances from others........and flirt.......YES, flirting!!...batting your eyelashes, smile seductively, look people in their eyes, lick your lips.....aahhhhh, the fun!!........you enjoy this feeling that takes over you......and revel in it.....and get carried away with it!! and sometimes....just sometimes push your luck.....a bit.......maybe a lot!!........whats the worst that can happen??! Even if something goes wrong, it doesn't affect you so much!!.........so, take chances!!

at the end.........this is just a fleeting moment!!.....just as sure as you are to blink your eyes.......so you have to make the most of it.......for those of you who say its your outlook and nothing else.......i say you have the downward spiral coming!!......but till it does, smile to yourself and others, live fully and most of all, just love yourself and especially those around you!!

less than a second.......

i guess a lot can happen in less than a second.........something good or something bad!!....something outrageous, mysterious, funny, disturbing, sad, life born or lost!!

But how can a person's entire mental and emotional breakdown occur in less than a second?! I mean, how is it even possible to go from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows, all within a second!! how can anyone oscillate between such distant emotions within less of a second??!!......You might have had the best day ever..............so happy........flying through air.......giggling non-stop.........have a clear view of what to do........giddily anticipating every thing that could happen...........and then, BAM!!

Everything comes crashing down around you..........everything breaks.........nothing makes sense anymore............you feel stuck.....trapped.......lonely.......feels like everything is falling apart........and you literally can't breathe!........and you try......try to figure out why?? Why did this suddenly happen?! What changed?!......why so suddenly??.......and there are no answers.....just more questions........and they make you more nauseous.........you are stunned by the ferocity of this monstrous disease that is spreading........and you try to make it stop.......you do everything and think everything that generally works........but it is stuck to you like a leech..........sucking out all the blood......all the happiness......all your energy......till you are tired!!.....till you can't fight anymore.......till you give in.......till there is no hope left........and at that moment you wish that you could accept it!!........but NO........it taunts you......it plays with you..........and you agonize over it till it bleeds you dry!!

Then you start thinking, trying to figure a way out of this...........maybe you really are bipolar??! Maybe you need professional help......maybe you need the drugs.......maybe there is something seriously wrong with you.......you sit and wonder if this happens to others......if it does, why don't they talk about it.........then you wish that others would go through it just so that you don't feel so alone.......then you hate yourself for wanting this insane pain on others...........you try to calm yourself down.........try to do something that might just lift you after this gloom!!

So, after watching "the hangover" many times over and forcing yourself to laugh hysterically (even if it sounds weird to your own ears)..........you are done! You feel completely empty and like a shell!!........then you wait......you wait for the next extreme of emotion, either a high or a low.........because you can't escape it!!.....you have no choice except to deal with it and try to not let it over-power you!!..........you are just an empty shell that doesn't even make any noise!!

Then you wait!!.........you wait......because you know it is going to happen again.......you are dead sure about it!!.......but as much as you prepare for it..........expect it.........and try to get ready to deal with it..........it is always a lost battle........a forgone conclusion.......you are NEVER going to win!! And knowing that just drowns you even more............the more you kick and fight........the faster you sink...........basically, QUICK-SAND!!