caffeine and cravings!!!

As i may have hinted numerous times in my previous posts, i am dealing with a very stimulating addiction to coffee!!!........but many of the people in my life don't seem to approve of our very *precious* relationship??!........

A few cases in point:

my moma – you are ruining your teeth!! You are surviving only on it!!.....your teeth look horrible!!..........don't drink too much of it!! Not good for you..........why don't you eat instead?! (this very person downs large glassfuls of it every time she has a "headache"........and she has been suffering from migraine attacks since from before i was born and they happen every week, mostly on Mondays!!? Go figure........)

my dude – we are running out of milk in the house because of the numerous times you are drinking coffee! Why don't you just eat instead??! Is this the reason why you aren't eating?! (this from the person who is known among my whole family to make the most DELICIOUS coffee ever!!.....hands down, no questions asked!!?)

my supposed *bestestest* friend – this the reason you stay awake the whole night and sleep the whole day!! Don't drink coffee in the night before you sleep or in the morning?!! (When then?? Leave aside the fact that he taught me a new way of preparing coffee, that as he puts it "releases all the flavours"!!)

my dear friend who hates coffee – i hate coffee, i don't understand how you can have it so many times!! You know who drinks coffee so many times?! Jobless people who have nothing better to do!! Why do you have it so many times??! that is because you have nothing better to do!!(he may have hit the nail in the head!!!)

my bff – when did u get this addicted to coffee??! But why??! Why don't we just go to a coffee shop?! I can understand having it in the morning but why in the evenings or the nights or any other time??! (i can say with great pride that she is slowly become like me.........muahahaha......i am dragging her down with me!! Every time i spend a night at her place, i induct her into the hall of caffeinaholics a little more!! Hehehe.......)

my soulmate – she is the only one who, i can honestly say, is addicted to this wonderful drug like me!! After all, she is my "soulmate"!!! (we have had some of our conversations over steaming, hot cups(remember the huge cups from F*R*I*E*N*D*S).....oh yeah...that big.......granted we were in different cities and it happened over the phone!! oh look, even she wrote about it!! )

My introduction to coffee began very early in life, when i was 5 or 6 years old!! i know very young right??! Well, my moma didn't have any choice. I used to puke my guts out at the very sight and especially, smell of milk.......after repeated futile attempts to force-feed me milk in the morning which resulted in me puking all over her, she gave in and began making me drink coffee!!.......ahhhh......those days when my moma would cradle me and feed me hot, piping cup of coffee every morning(as i refused to eat anything at all) before i had to go to school while showing me that my auto is waiting for me......and everyone in the auto screaming that they were getting late because of my very early rising from bed were the most fun days ever!!......

After this very enthusiastic and promising induction to the coffee paradise, my craving to it took a serious back seat for quite some time........it could be the move to another city and then a move back to my hometown ......all that bullshit distracted me from my true love.......*sigh*

It started slowly again when i was 15.......slowly, seductively........with once in 3 days.........after having tiffins for dinner.........because lets face it, every South-Indian breakfast/snack/meal is incomplete without a freshly brewed steel glass full of filter-coffee!!.........aaahhhhh, heaven!!..........and since my moma and dude had so much time, we constantly had filter-coffee........which always brought back memories of filter-coffee and breakfast made by my grandma who sat surrounded by all her grandchildren handing us the glasses listening to our moans about why some got more and others got less!!.........this period of my coffee love were driven by the nostalgia........often just breathing the vapours with closed eyes......reminded me of the times with my grandparents!!

This slowly progressed to me making myself instant coffee(NESCAFE!!) after a long day.......to calm down my sprinting mind........most people drink it to stay awake.......i drink it to soothe myself.......wish i knew the logistics behind the reverse effect!! Then came the "coffee shops".........REVOLUTION........truly and completely.......disguised as a place to sit and spend hours with friends.......but turning coffee-haters into coffee lovers.........with very expensive drinks that they call "coffee" but in fact is 1% coffee powder and rest covered up with milk, chocolate, cream, foam, ice cream and various other unnecessary ingredients!!..........NOT GOOD COFFEE.......anyway, people either found their calling after this experience or didn't!!.......oh ignorant souls.........buy coffee powder and actually smell it to know what coffee is actually is about!!

More often than not my coffee intake depends on my mood that particular day.......not that it affects the amount of caffeine i crave!! Its not just consuming it........it is all about letting it engulf you.......tasting it........letting your tongue discover the many flavour it can offer........that is left to us to unlock...........it tantalizes us........it plays hide and seek with us.......but every sip should be preceded by a sniff..........a deep breath of the earthy, intoxicating whiff........that fills you up.....that takes the whole drinking part of it to another level.........and yes, oh god yes, it's very orgasmic!!.........and every time i have it, its like i am making sweet love to it............and it in turn returns the favour a thousand fold!!..........it is an event each time.........an occasion to look forward too!!......no wonder i am addicted to it!!! its a LOVE AFFAIR!!......

And yes, i started this post having a coffee.................and writing it........remembering everything about it has made me want it badly again......................so, i am off to enjoy my morning glass of coffee.........leaving you to discover the pleasures of this wonderful legal drug!!!

feeling like a million bucks.......a billion, trillion and whatever comes after that....bucks?!??

unlike many of the other feelings......this never creeps up on you.......you always see it coming.....and you know that you will be enjoy it while it lasts!!.......that absolutely wonderful time when you feel your best!!! When you love everything and everyone around you........and you actually look forward to the next day!!

it might have started because your felt good when you woke up.....or someone complemented you......or you had a good time with your besties.......or a good day at home.......or retail therapy.....or one of those rare day when you feel beautiful......i mean, fucking amazingly gorgeous!!

no matter how it starts out or who causes it.......its like a domino effect!!.......basically the opposite of Murphy's Law!!....i know hard to believe.......but seriously......honestly, you may start out with something good......and suddenly.....oh look, your favourite songs are being played on tv......one after the other........everything you seems to do miraculously turns out brilliantly!!......i swear to god, my tea never ever tasted this delicious good......and trust me when i say i make "amazing" tea!! You feel a general sense of well-being which is a real change and welcomed with open arms and hugged tightly!!

you smile at everything and nothing.......you smile to yourself and others......often receiving surprised and puzzled looks in return!! But you are so blissfully unaware that you smile even wider!! You walk with a definite spring in your step.......feeling your hair flying in the air.....flipping it naughtily!!......and you check your reflection everywhere possible......admiring yourself.......catching glances from others........and flirt.......YES, flirting!!...batting your eyelashes, smile seductively, look people in their eyes, lick your lips.....aahhhhh, the fun!!........you enjoy this feeling that takes over you......and revel in it.....and get carried away with it!! and sometimes....just sometimes push your luck.....a bit.......maybe a lot!!........whats the worst that can happen??! Even if something goes wrong, it doesn't affect you so much!!.........so, take chances!!

at the end.........this is just a fleeting moment!!.....just as sure as you are to blink your eyes.......so you have to make the most of it.......for those of you who say its your outlook and nothing else.......i say you have the downward spiral coming!!......but till it does, smile to yourself and others, live fully and most of all, just love yourself and especially those around you!!

less than a second.......

i guess a lot can happen in less than a second.........something good or something bad!!....something outrageous, mysterious, funny, disturbing, sad, life born or lost!!

But how can a person's entire mental and emotional breakdown occur in less than a second?! I mean, how is it even possible to go from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows, all within a second!! how can anyone oscillate between such distant emotions within less of a second??!!......You might have had the best day ever..............so happy........flying through air.......giggling non-stop.........have a clear view of what to do........giddily anticipating every thing that could happen...........and then, BAM!!

Everything comes crashing down around you..........everything breaks.........nothing makes sense anymore............you feel stuck.....trapped.......lonely.......feels like everything is falling apart........and you literally can't breathe!........and you try......try to figure out why?? Why did this suddenly happen?! What changed?!......why so suddenly??.......and there are no answers.....just more questions........and they make you more nauseous.........you are stunned by the ferocity of this monstrous disease that is spreading........and you try to make it stop.......you do everything and think everything that generally works........but it is stuck to you like a leech..........sucking out all the blood......all the happiness......all your energy......till you are tired!!.....till you can't fight anymore.......till you give in.......till there is no hope left........and at that moment you wish that you could accept it!!........but NO........it taunts you......it plays with you..........and you agonize over it till it bleeds you dry!!

Then you start thinking, trying to figure a way out of this...........maybe you really are bipolar??! Maybe you need professional help......maybe you need the drugs.......maybe there is something seriously wrong with you.......you sit and wonder if this happens to others......if it does, why don't they talk about it.........then you wish that others would go through it just so that you don't feel so alone.......then you hate yourself for wanting this insane pain on others...........you try to calm yourself down.........try to do something that might just lift you after this gloom!!

So, after watching "the hangover" many times over and forcing yourself to laugh hysterically (even if it sounds weird to your own ears)..........you are done! You feel completely empty and like a shell!!........then you wait......you wait for the next extreme of emotion, either a high or a low.........because you can't escape it!!.....you have no choice except to deal with it and try to not let it over-power you!!..........you are just an empty shell that doesn't even make any noise!!

Then you wait!!.........you wait......because you know it is going to happen again.......you are dead sure about it!!.......but as much as you prepare for it..........expect it.........and try to get ready to deal with it..........it is always a lost battle........a forgone conclusion.......you are NEVER going to win!! And knowing that just drowns you even more............the more you kick and fight........the faster you sink...........basically, QUICK-SAND!!

to "MY PERSON".........

if you are really lucky in life, you find the one person in your life who you share everything with! now i know many of you would say my parents or my husband or my boyfriend or my best friend yada, yada, yada............but now many of you can say i have so many people who i can just pick up the phone to call that the fingers on one hand arent enough?!

i am one of those very few lucky ones.....of course, they are relative degrees of intimacy with each of them that are completely different!....but the most important fact is that they are there....no matter what!!.....now at this point i would like to point out that i do consider my parents very close to me......that is a relation that no one can take away from any of us......but there are things that even the closest child-parent refrain from sharing........the thing is that at the end of it all they are your "parents"........no matter what; there is stuff that you do end up hiding from them.....because lets face it, it is better for them if they don't find out some of the things that we do!!

now, as lucky as i am to have many such people who are just a call away who listen to my neurotic, idiotic, insane problems and offer sensible and very often, calming suggestions........there has been one constant person who i bother, irritate, confide and talk to for the past couple of years! i call her "MY PERSON"...........i often tell her "you are me and i am you"..........as ridiculously romantic as that sounds, it is true!! and i often wonder if we are actually one soul, put into two different bodies?! ok, corny.......i shall stop now!!

actually, simply put, she is my "SOULMATE"..............if it weren't so weird and gross i would have married her! not because she is a girl(because i am totally down with that! ;) ) it is because she is my cousin!!............damn, that should actually make things easier.........we did once talk about the alternate reality of what would happen if we were lovahs and got married!!...........jeez, you would think this would be the extent of the utter insanity of our talks..........you would be wrong, i do vaguely recall us arguing about which one of us would carry our child!! actually, we are pretty certain neither of our parents would be THAT surprised......they know how much we mean to each other..........and that we live in our own little world!! and ignore(to put it lightly)....alright, just forget the existence of everyone around us when we are together!! I mean, even after talking about literally every single topic in the world, we would still find something more to talk about!

to even try to explain our relationship is like trying to figuring out the every reason of human existence!.....if you think that was a melodramatic, you should listen to our conversations........sex and the city would appear pointless when compared to amount of topics that get discussed when we are in one of our "mood"............i guess our relation was ingrained in our very being!!........granted it took a while for us to get to this level of emotional, mental and psychological understanding........but when it did, it was like how come we did know each other like this before??! It was sooo obvious!!.....duhhh.......

it isnt just going to each other with our respective problems or lending a ear........it was understanding, knowing exactly what the other was feeling, going through,........and caring.......caring enough to try your level best to try to help them out..........the fact that we are related, have blood relation and have her mom and my dad be sis-bro and her dad and my dad as besties, i guess made us draw even closer than ever!! Surviving our parents hysterionics while trying to learn how to live a "normal" life while figuring out how to deal with the many curve-balls that life throws at you.........just some of the many things that made us realize how alike we are, how much we learn from each other (me learning a lot more from her!), how much more shit we have to face in the future, how bloody impossible it would have been to deal with all of this if it weren't for each other...........the thing is i could go on and on.......but it is absolutely impossible to describe how much she means to me and how much i depend on her to survive on a day-to-day basis!!..............so, in the most basic terms.........

i simply, plainly, unequivocally without any question or any reason LOVE HER! <3

is everyone a “SHOPAHOLIC” now-a-days?!

This very thought struck me as I sat watching the movie "Confession of a Shopaholic" for the umpteenth time with my nightly cup of coffee(will get to that later, my new "addiction").

What is the definition of a shopaholic anyway?! Someone who is addicted to shopping??! What about the people who shops rarely, but when they does, they spend an insane amount of money?! What about the people who often just go to the shops or malls just to spend their time and invariably end up buying something every single time?! What about those who are emotionally connected to the shopping where it helps their well-being?! What about those people who spend considerable amount of time trawling through numerous shops looking for exactly what they want?! What about those people who gaze longingly at merchandise in a window wishing they had enough money to own it??! If given the money, time and chance is EVERYONE a shopaholic??!

What happened to those occasions where the whole would get dressed up and go together and hit the shops just before a festival season or a family celebration?! Those rare opportunities still exist but they are not one off!!.......they are coupled with our constant need to be around new merchandise at every possible moment and have the very newest and the best available!! We seem to get drawn to the newest shops like moths to a flame! We just have to something interesting, new or even remotely different, we are there exploring it!

And it not just being around the newest and best stuff but when it comes down to it, it's about "owning it"!! We seem to have this very primal urge to own what we see, what we find interesting, what appeals to us!!........that coupled with our desire to spend.......spend the money as we believe it makes up feel better......"RETAIL THERAPY"...........does it actually work?! Or is it a concept invented and then ingrained into us just to increase consumerism?!? Have we grown so accustomed to it that we can't even distinguish what we actually feel after making a purchase?! Have we been so brainwashed that we delude ourselves into thinking that spending is somehow helping make your mood better!?!

So, in the end.......does it actually make you feel better?! Personally, i would say an emphatic "yes"!! of course, it does.......and i have the absolute privilege of being called the ultimate shopaholic among all of my friends!.......one of my very personality traits that i am very proud of!.........my parents might have an issue with that.......but hey, they never stopped it.......they always enable it.....from my childhood.........while my mom bought a sari or two at a given time or my dude bought a 3 shirts or material for his pants........they always splashed their cash around for me.........always at least 4 or more outfits at a go!!..........because i am an only childhood??! I don't know........but i have grown-up getting "really" used to that idea..........as i got used to going alone on shopping sprees.....they, i believe, realized their mistake!!......unfortunately for them, there is going back!!

As to the reason, i shop........very simply, it makes me feel better..........the lights, the people, the buying itself gives me a high that i don't get from anything else?!.......am i addicted to shopping?? Of course, how can i not be.........although, i have realized that it all depends on your mood........there was an extended period of time when i didn't shop at all...........a shock to all my friends.........i believe i was in a state of mourning........and no, at that time....i had no appeal to shop....and it didn't make me feel better either!!...........maybe, you need the correct state of mind to shop..........then whatever happens to its tag of "feel good" factor.......??!......hhmmm......sometimes you don't need to shop.....you just need to accompany someone who is shopping.........even can be very exhilarating........and i happen to be an AWESOME shopping helper-assister-accompanier-tagalong....whatever you want to call me.........i have had the best of times helping my friends shop.........and i have it in good authority that they have too!!.......so at the end of it, is it all about bonding?!!

There is not set definition for a shopaholic anymore.........because in one way or another we all are shopaholic......yes, even men too!!.....hell, especially men.......with their precise eye, unnerving attention and unwavering single-mindedness..........i do believe most women need to learn from men how to be a shopaholic........as most women do end up buying stuff that wont fit us or is just plain ugly or we know we will never wear!!......men are good at making decisions that will result in good buys even of they are on a spree...........i believe it that constant stream of money, restlessness, boredom, laziness and a million other reasons that have contributed to this lifestyle of shopaholics to thrive!

Whatever the reason, all that matters in the end is that shopping makes us feel better??.........yes, roaming listlessly in huge corporate-run money-guzzling stores makes us happy.............especially relieving ourselves of the hard-earned money on a swipe of a card or a flick of the wrist elevates our mood..........irrespective of the purpose, function or usability of our purchase, holding that purchase gives us a momentary giddiness that is unparalleled!!.......and look at what it has come to........we want exclusive, one-of-a-kind objects that no one has...........who cares if you just might have to sell your soul to "own" it, ehhhh??!!

Living life in clichés??!

You grow up listening to your parents describing a group of people, categorizing them, identifying them with a particular quality/ies........and you listen, you try to understand, you try to figure why......why are they being so mean about these bunch of people??! So what if they are loud?! What if they are proud? What if they live their lives a certain way? What if they are promiscuous?! What if they follow certain customs we find weird?! Why do we have to discuss about them? Why do we have to question their ways? Why do we always assume that our way of living is the "right" way?! Why are we so suspicious and judgemental? And you think you have seen your parents in a whole new light.......This is our introduction to the world of clichés........and as an young child, I promised myself that I would never ever indulge or allow myself to even be in the presence of such clichéd talk!

But as you grow up, you are exposed more and more to these clichés and you turn deaf to these talks by concentrating on your latest crush and dreaming about their gorgeous, made-up body!! But slowly and slowly you listen if reluctantly and resisting with all your pocket money's worth!!.......and you see patterns.....you see conclusions.....you see deductions.......you see sense being made........after listening, you tell yourself that you would never objectify anyone to these clichés......no matter what! Come what may..........never.......nada..............not happening!!

Then you see that group of people, the ones that they were talking about......the clichés put forth......and then you observe......and then you protest........you refuse to let your brain see those glaring, obvious flaunting of those very qualities discussed..........and you notice.......you fit the pieces into the puzzle.........you curse yourself for being so dumb that you didn't realize this before!!........then you begin to draw your very own clichés........before you know it you have become you what you said you wouldn't.......you have done what you swore you would never do........with a crashing realization you have "clichezised " people.......damn.....damn.....what ever happened to your ideals??!

With changing times, the vocabulary, the qualities and the conversations changes........we now refer to them as "typicalness"........but hey, there are a lot of categories to gossip about.......to analyze.......traditional.....modern......both of which have many categories including gender, region, lifestyle and behaviour!!........then there are the new ones like nuclear families, younger generations, older generations, happy, depressed, moody, pessimistic, optimistic,............and so on and so forth!!........

If you are wondering why I am so antagonistic towards clichés, it is for the simple fact that once you identify a person as belonging to a certain category, you become blind to their other qualities.........you only see the very qualities that you categorize them under!!........and even if you open yourself up to them.......you are surprised when you are exposed to something other than what you expect!! And then it hits you.......you have been unceremoniously segregating people.......and they never asked for it........they never expected themselves to be!!..........

You realize you are in the middle of crossroads.......and its time to make a choice..........either you continue to divide people into these clichéd families and close your eyes to the possibility of them being something more or open yourself up to the infinite possibilities of the way a human being can be, irrespective of their gender, region or traditions or a million things!!..............so, which path have you picked?!

our personal, emotional and intellectual TALKS!!