Last Ditch Effort!

'Whenever things in my head get all gooey and sticky and messy and I can’t get them out, you always come along and you make me feel clean, and you make me feel whole again. Just as I know the sky is blue, I know that you and I are meant to be together. You are my hero, you are my one true love, you are my inspiration.'

Impending

If this never works out………..

I will think like you…..feel like you……act like you……..

I will become you……..i can see it coming……

I can already sense it….

Coming!

Stupid then…..Better now …….really??!

So naïve…….so young……..so carefree……..so immature…..

But yet…..happy…….blissfully so……tweaked with a little sadness……

Good or bad? Look back……..analysing……wondering……questioning….

Why? How? What happened?

Then? Now? In-between?

An enigma…….a butterfly…….

Now turning into a caterpillar……..back in its cocoon….hibernating…..

Is this progress? Is this growing? Or moving backwards?

A joyful glee…………seems empty now……fake.....shocking.....

The dark, dreary present………clouding the bright, bubbling memories…….

Why? Why? Why?

Moving on?…..or Brooding over?

What to look forward to?

A future that will look back at this and laugh........

Or.........one that will remember this as one of the good times?

Immortals in Me

I ignored you……I hated you…..I loathed you……I detested you…..

It came…..it went…….it came again…..strongly…….it went very slowly…..

I lived…….just lived…..without noticing much……without caring…..without understanding

Now I know……..now I feel…….now I understand…..now I accept…

And I am sorry……so very sorry……..

Because I realize you won’t be with me forever……and yet you will…..always…..truly…..completely…..

And I wish to not exist beyond you do…….not know anything apart from you…..not acknowledge anyone other than you!
It took so long………..i am sorry…….i fear it’s a little late…..

I hope it’s not too late! I pray…….i wish……..i beg……….the rest of my lifetime isn’t enough……
I love you both…….so much…….wish I could just say it all the time!

LOST!

A part of my heart ripped away………a common sense taken away……..a rationalization that always helped

I search with my hands wide open……feeling around……in a dark room……so clichéd…..yet so true!

Complicated…..so tangled…..yet so necessary……a life source……need it…….shamelessly…..stupidly….

A loss…..…so essential………I exist……..a dead soul…….

To survive…..…to live……..meaninglessly……

Push…..push…..push………

A chant for new moms…….a chant for workers………a command to the mind of an exhausted creative soul………

So simple, so direct, so harsh, people push so unknowingly, unwillingly…….

Without understanding the demand. Without thinking about implications. Without caring about the effort.

They ask. They command. They say. They do. They push back.

I am spent!

how well can anyone know someone anyway?!! even yourself??​!

this was a question that i keep asking myself again and again.....often coming up with half-assed answers........never completely answering myself...........but now......like right now......I WANT AN ANSWER!..........i want a definite, complete and clear answer!??

why now? Why so suddenly? Ask no questions and you shall get no answers!!........lets leave it at that.........now, before we lose track again........how can we ever truly, completely know a person?! Is that even ever possible........??!......forget a person, can we ever actually say that you even know everything about something??!......like......like a eraser for example........we know its made out of rubber........we know its used to erase marks made by a pencil on surfaces........we can find out the company that manufacture it...........google or wiki it and you will come up with its chemical composition!!.......but can you ever truly know from where the rubber was actually sourced?? How many hands touched it? How many places it has been? How different is it from the way it started out?!

when you cant even perfectly ‘know’ an inanimate object? Should you even think about a person? Do you think it is even possible to “understand”them?? I mean, a living breathing person with emotions and feeling and thinking........how is it ever possible to know how and why even a small thing like a look at something can affect every single thing about a person??!.....from their demeanour to mood to feelings to actions?!!!!

how do you even define knowing a person? When you can anticipate their every move? Every emotion and every action?! Or when you can understand why a person behaves and/or is the way he/she is??! Can you ever actually understand why people do what they do??! Can you ever actually predict what might have affected them and how it has changed them?! Coming to the most basic of terms, how do you know they are truthful?! And how do you that they are not?!

oh yeah........faith......trust.........who do you actually trust?? Your parents?! Your friends?! Strangers?? Really??! Can you 100% sure about what exactly is going on in your parent’s head???! Do you really believe everything your friends tell you?! What the hell do you even know about a person you have seen just once?!

YOURSELF.............there you go.......someone to trust......someone you have faith in.........HAAAHAAAA.........you blithering fool.........did you trust yourself when you were drunk? Did you really have faith in the decisions you made??! Do you even for a second ever actually believe when you said to yourself and others.....”i know myself”............are there seeds of doubt in your mind now??! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUR TRUST AND FAITH??!!IN YOURSELF, OF ALL PEOPLE.........seriously??!!

lets face it.......... it is never gonna happen........not of yourself........and definitely not of others.... ........no matter how much time spent or how much effort put.....if you actually think that you do.....its an illusion.....run away, NOW.........Stop deluding yourself.......never gonna happen........so, give up.......stop trying!!........stop wasting your time and energy...........ENOUGH ALREADY.......just stop..........no one.....not even yourself.........so, STOP!