less than a second.......

i guess a lot can happen in less than a second.........something good or something bad!!....something outrageous, mysterious, funny, disturbing, sad, life born or lost!!

But how can a person's entire mental and emotional breakdown occur in less than a second?! I mean, how is it even possible to go from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows, all within a second!! how can anyone oscillate between such distant emotions within less of a second??!!......You might have had the best day ever..............so happy........flying through air.......giggling non-stop.........have a clear view of what to do........giddily anticipating every thing that could happen...........and then, BAM!!

Everything comes crashing down around you..........everything breaks.........nothing makes sense anymore............you feel stuck.....trapped.......lonely.......feels like everything is falling apart........and you literally can't breathe!........and you try......try to figure out why?? Why did this suddenly happen?! What changed?!......why so suddenly??.......and there are no answers.....just more questions........and they make you more nauseous.........you are stunned by the ferocity of this monstrous disease that is spreading........and you try to make it stop.......you do everything and think everything that generally works........but it is stuck to you like a leech..........sucking out all the blood......all the happiness......all your energy......till you are tired!!.....till you can't fight anymore.......till you give in.......till there is no hope left........and at that moment you wish that you could accept it!!........but NO........it taunts you......it plays with you..........and you agonize over it till it bleeds you dry!!

Then you start thinking, trying to figure a way out of this...........maybe you really are bipolar??! Maybe you need professional help......maybe you need the drugs.......maybe there is something seriously wrong with you.......you sit and wonder if this happens to others......if it does, why don't they talk about it.........then you wish that others would go through it just so that you don't feel so alone.......then you hate yourself for wanting this insane pain on others...........you try to calm yourself down.........try to do something that might just lift you after this gloom!!

So, after watching "the hangover" many times over and forcing yourself to laugh hysterically (even if it sounds weird to your own ears)..........you are done! You feel completely empty and like a shell!!........then you wait......you wait for the next extreme of emotion, either a high or a low.........because you can't escape it!!.....you have no choice except to deal with it and try to not let it over-power you!!..........you are just an empty shell that doesn't even make any noise!!

Then you wait!!.........you wait......because you know it is going to happen again.......you are dead sure about it!!.......but as much as you prepare for it..........expect it.........and try to get ready to deal with it..........it is always a lost battle........a forgone conclusion.......you are NEVER going to win!! And knowing that just drowns you even more............the more you kick and fight........the faster you sink...........basically, QUICK-SAND!!

to "MY PERSON".........

if you are really lucky in life, you find the one person in your life who you share everything with! now i know many of you would say my parents or my husband or my boyfriend or my best friend yada, yada, yada............but now many of you can say i have so many people who i can just pick up the phone to call that the fingers on one hand arent enough?!

i am one of those very few lucky ones.....of course, they are relative degrees of intimacy with each of them that are completely different!....but the most important fact is that they are there....no matter what!!.....now at this point i would like to point out that i do consider my parents very close to me......that is a relation that no one can take away from any of us......but there are things that even the closest child-parent refrain from sharing........the thing is that at the end of it all they are your "parents"........no matter what; there is stuff that you do end up hiding from them.....because lets face it, it is better for them if they don't find out some of the things that we do!!

now, as lucky as i am to have many such people who are just a call away who listen to my neurotic, idiotic, insane problems and offer sensible and very often, calming suggestions........there has been one constant person who i bother, irritate, confide and talk to for the past couple of years! i call her "MY PERSON"...........i often tell her "you are me and i am you"..........as ridiculously romantic as that sounds, it is true!! and i often wonder if we are actually one soul, put into two different bodies?! ok, corny.......i shall stop now!!

actually, simply put, she is my "SOULMATE"..............if it weren't so weird and gross i would have married her! not because she is a girl(because i am totally down with that! ;) ) it is because she is my cousin!!............damn, that should actually make things easier.........we did once talk about the alternate reality of what would happen if we were lovahs and got married!!...........jeez, you would think this would be the extent of the utter insanity of our talks..........you would be wrong, i do vaguely recall us arguing about which one of us would carry our child!! actually, we are pretty certain neither of our parents would be THAT surprised......they know how much we mean to each other..........and that we live in our own little world!! and ignore(to put it lightly)....alright, just forget the existence of everyone around us when we are together!! I mean, even after talking about literally every single topic in the world, we would still find something more to talk about!

to even try to explain our relationship is like trying to figuring out the every reason of human existence!.....if you think that was a melodramatic, you should listen to our conversations........sex and the city would appear pointless when compared to amount of topics that get discussed when we are in one of our "mood"............i guess our relation was ingrained in our very being!!........granted it took a while for us to get to this level of emotional, mental and psychological understanding........but when it did, it was like how come we did know each other like this before??! It was sooo obvious!!.....duhhh.......

it isnt just going to each other with our respective problems or lending a ear........it was understanding, knowing exactly what the other was feeling, going through,........and caring.......caring enough to try your level best to try to help them out..........the fact that we are related, have blood relation and have her mom and my dad be sis-bro and her dad and my dad as besties, i guess made us draw even closer than ever!! Surviving our parents hysterionics while trying to learn how to live a "normal" life while figuring out how to deal with the many curve-balls that life throws at you.........just some of the many things that made us realize how alike we are, how much we learn from each other (me learning a lot more from her!), how much more shit we have to face in the future, how bloody impossible it would have been to deal with all of this if it weren't for each other...........the thing is i could go on and on.......but it is absolutely impossible to describe how much she means to me and how much i depend on her to survive on a day-to-day basis!!..............so, in the most basic terms.........

i simply, plainly, unequivocally without any question or any reason LOVE HER! <3

is everyone a “SHOPAHOLIC” now-a-days?!

This very thought struck me as I sat watching the movie "Confession of a Shopaholic" for the umpteenth time with my nightly cup of coffee(will get to that later, my new "addiction").

What is the definition of a shopaholic anyway?! Someone who is addicted to shopping??! What about the people who shops rarely, but when they does, they spend an insane amount of money?! What about the people who often just go to the shops or malls just to spend their time and invariably end up buying something every single time?! What about those who are emotionally connected to the shopping where it helps their well-being?! What about those people who spend considerable amount of time trawling through numerous shops looking for exactly what they want?! What about those people who gaze longingly at merchandise in a window wishing they had enough money to own it??! If given the money, time and chance is EVERYONE a shopaholic??!

What happened to those occasions where the whole would get dressed up and go together and hit the shops just before a festival season or a family celebration?! Those rare opportunities still exist but they are not one off!!.......they are coupled with our constant need to be around new merchandise at every possible moment and have the very newest and the best available!! We seem to get drawn to the newest shops like moths to a flame! We just have to something interesting, new or even remotely different, we are there exploring it!

And it not just being around the newest and best stuff but when it comes down to it, it's about "owning it"!! We seem to have this very primal urge to own what we see, what we find interesting, what appeals to us!!........that coupled with our desire to spend.......spend the money as we believe it makes up feel better......"RETAIL THERAPY"...........does it actually work?! Or is it a concept invented and then ingrained into us just to increase consumerism?!? Have we grown so accustomed to it that we can't even distinguish what we actually feel after making a purchase?! Have we been so brainwashed that we delude ourselves into thinking that spending is somehow helping make your mood better!?!

So, in the end.......does it actually make you feel better?! Personally, i would say an emphatic "yes"!! of course, it does.......and i have the absolute privilege of being called the ultimate shopaholic among all of my friends!.......one of my very personality traits that i am very proud of!.........my parents might have an issue with that.......but hey, they never stopped it.......they always enable it.....from my childhood.........while my mom bought a sari or two at a given time or my dude bought a 3 shirts or material for his pants........they always splashed their cash around for me.........always at least 4 or more outfits at a go!!..........because i am an only childhood??! I don't know........but i have grown-up getting "really" used to that idea..........as i got used to going alone on shopping sprees.....they, i believe, realized their mistake!!......unfortunately for them, there is going back!!

As to the reason, i shop........very simply, it makes me feel better..........the lights, the people, the buying itself gives me a high that i don't get from anything else?!.......am i addicted to shopping?? Of course, how can i not be.........although, i have realized that it all depends on your mood........there was an extended period of time when i didn't shop at all...........a shock to all my friends.........i believe i was in a state of mourning........and no, at that time....i had no appeal to shop....and it didn't make me feel better either!!...........maybe, you need the correct state of mind to shop..........then whatever happens to its tag of "feel good" factor.......??!......hhmmm......sometimes you don't need to shop.....you just need to accompany someone who is shopping.........even can be very exhilarating........and i happen to be an AWESOME shopping helper-assister-accompanier-tagalong....whatever you want to call me.........i have had the best of times helping my friends shop.........and i have it in good authority that they have too!!.......so at the end of it, is it all about bonding?!!

There is not set definition for a shopaholic anymore.........because in one way or another we all are shopaholic......yes, even men too!!.....hell, especially men.......with their precise eye, unnerving attention and unwavering single-mindedness..........i do believe most women need to learn from men how to be a shopaholic........as most women do end up buying stuff that wont fit us or is just plain ugly or we know we will never wear!!......men are good at making decisions that will result in good buys even of they are on a spree...........i believe it that constant stream of money, restlessness, boredom, laziness and a million other reasons that have contributed to this lifestyle of shopaholics to thrive!

Whatever the reason, all that matters in the end is that shopping makes us feel better??.........yes, roaming listlessly in huge corporate-run money-guzzling stores makes us happy.............especially relieving ourselves of the hard-earned money on a swipe of a card or a flick of the wrist elevates our mood..........irrespective of the purpose, function or usability of our purchase, holding that purchase gives us a momentary giddiness that is unparalleled!!.......and look at what it has come to........we want exclusive, one-of-a-kind objects that no one has...........who cares if you just might have to sell your soul to "own" it, ehhhh??!!

Living life in clichés??!

You grow up listening to your parents describing a group of people, categorizing them, identifying them with a particular quality/ies........and you listen, you try to understand, you try to figure why......why are they being so mean about these bunch of people??! So what if they are loud?! What if they are proud? What if they live their lives a certain way? What if they are promiscuous?! What if they follow certain customs we find weird?! Why do we have to discuss about them? Why do we have to question their ways? Why do we always assume that our way of living is the "right" way?! Why are we so suspicious and judgemental? And you think you have seen your parents in a whole new light.......This is our introduction to the world of clichés........and as an young child, I promised myself that I would never ever indulge or allow myself to even be in the presence of such clichéd talk!

But as you grow up, you are exposed more and more to these clichés and you turn deaf to these talks by concentrating on your latest crush and dreaming about their gorgeous, made-up body!! But slowly and slowly you listen if reluctantly and resisting with all your pocket money's worth!!.......and you see patterns.....you see conclusions.....you see deductions.......you see sense being made........after listening, you tell yourself that you would never objectify anyone to these clichés......no matter what! Come what may..........never.......nada..............not happening!!

Then you see that group of people, the ones that they were talking about......the clichés put forth......and then you observe......and then you protest........you refuse to let your brain see those glaring, obvious flaunting of those very qualities discussed..........and you notice.......you fit the pieces into the puzzle.........you curse yourself for being so dumb that you didn't realize this before!!........then you begin to draw your very own clichés........before you know it you have become you what you said you wouldn't.......you have done what you swore you would never do........with a crashing realization you have "clichezised " people.......damn.....damn.....what ever happened to your ideals??!

With changing times, the vocabulary, the qualities and the conversations changes........we now refer to them as "typicalness"........but hey, there are a lot of categories to gossip about.......to analyze.......traditional.....modern......both of which have many categories including gender, region, lifestyle and behaviour!!........then there are the new ones like nuclear families, younger generations, older generations, happy, depressed, moody, pessimistic, optimistic,............and so on and so forth!!........

If you are wondering why I am so antagonistic towards clichés, it is for the simple fact that once you identify a person as belonging to a certain category, you become blind to their other qualities.........you only see the very qualities that you categorize them under!!........and even if you open yourself up to them.......you are surprised when you are exposed to something other than what you expect!! And then it hits you.......you have been unceremoniously segregating people.......and they never asked for it........they never expected themselves to be!!..........

You realize you are in the middle of crossroads.......and its time to make a choice..........either you continue to divide people into these clichéd families and close your eyes to the possibility of them being something more or open yourself up to the infinite possibilities of the way a human being can be, irrespective of their gender, region or traditions or a million things!!..............so, which path have you picked?!

our personal, emotional and intellectual TALKS!!

SUCKING BALLS!

"life sucks donkey balls"
"life sucks every balls"
"why doesnt life suck vaginas?"

the single, greatest, most wonderful two and half minutes in the history of all movies........

yes, i wanna dance the tango with al pacino...........a blind al pacino........exactly like that.....oh god, if that doesnt make you smile and feel better about your life, i dont know what will!!!
sigh..............the BEST!!...................LOVE al pacino.........one day........tango.......with al pacino....... :)

off the top of my head

fingers numb......hands restless........legs twitching.......eyes unfocussed.......a million things going through the screwed-up head........having a staring match with my dude.........have nothing to say to my moma, still talking.........nothing to say........talking.......nothing to say.......complete 360 degrees from 24 hrs back!........J hugging me in the middle of crossing a heavy, traffic laden road calling me cute as i was boasting about my amazing "tea"............hating her for ignoring me while she talks to her "other" friends.........sleeping besides A after a really delicious, heavy 2 hr long lunch...........hugging her even though she is resisiting..........hating her for changing her mind about joining us the next day........hating myself for not calling E.......hating her job which made her life so hectic.........missing her......her warmth......her care.........hating my bloody house......hating him for shifting........realising i wasnt even supposed to be here........where did it all go wrong!? how did it all get so screwed up?! being so thankful for everyone's support.........am better off now, here, at this very moment.........cursing fate for moving DP so far.......remembering her say you have idea how much you mean to me in 9th........different sections in 10th.......difficult to hang out all the time......ahhhh.....messy 10th!.......making people cry........writing bloody emotional letters.......hating school........moving to the city from the corner of outskirts.........damn, back to the corner of nowhere........buses........lovely conductors........stupid bloody people who crowd the buses..........fucking auto drivers........why the hell do your autos have meters??!.......bloody shops......with your useless merchandise........unecessary consumerism.........spending.......broke.......worry!! hating everyone's life and envying it......then realizing they arent happy either.......wondering what the fuck is going on with the world?!........exhausted......every single body part just tired.........aching.......need sleep.......wait, i just woke up 5 hrs back after more than 18 hrs sleep.........good sleep??......mmmmm........water........pure, clean transparent......momentary satisfaction.......so easy, so simple.........so dangerous!! damn the fucking repercussions........blame everything and everyone........backing out......moving out......stopping........no thoughts.......mind still heavy.......head buzzing........legs and hands feel heavy........need rest.........need peace.........where was yesterday and day before?! where was the pillow fight?.....where was the non-stop blabber?! where were the last 4 days?........where are the people?! why does anyone need them?! ........alone.......solitude........birth and death.......isnt it?! ISNT IT???