creep up, DAMN IT......why cant it just creep up??!

have you ever wondered why is that any feeling or emotion always hits you like a bolt of lightning?! why it is always a surprise when do you realize it?! how come you never expect it? why does it never, ever for the love of god creep up?

why does it not give you the time to let you get adjust to that feeling, to that emotion?! even if you do see it coming, it does surprise you and completely befuddle you when it does hit you!?

why is this? why is it so?! i mean, i thought it was just me! but i have been proven wrong......my best friends completely broke down when i least expected them to!....one on a auto ride and another while leaving my house!.....i mean, when you know and are expecting it........it should not surprise you when you discover it....but it does?! why? why? WHY?!

i did not realize the fact that i missed my dude, i mean truly miss his presence till it was almost 8 months after he left to varanasi since he got posted there! knowing the fact that he was moving to another city and i would not be seeing him everyday was completely different from truly accepting it and coming to terms with it........by the way, it did happen in my maths period at my college when i broke down into heavy sobs hugging my friends!

even now, i miss my moma at weird times like at night when she usually pops her head into my bedroom to check why i have not slept yet or our early morning tea which we usually share before i go to sleep after she had just woke up and i had been awake all night!.....i do believe that i am dealing with my moma's absence a lot better than i ever dealt with my dude's.......i basically thought i was emotionally stunted......but i now have to terms with the fact that it hits you at the weirdest of times.......you never actually expect it or are prepared for it or anticipate it!.....

and when it does hit you...all that pent up emotions just hits the roof!!......you are all over the place.......dealing with all the suppressed bullshit all at once........sobbing like you have no tomorrow.....and that sucks!......because while these tears are streaming down your face, you curse yourself for not knowing, for not seeing this coming, for not realising the enormity of it! it makes you feel worthless.........like a piece of shit......someone who has no knowledge about themselves......absolutely no self-control!!!...........damn it.......damn it........DAMN IT!!!!

IT JUST PLAIN, FUCKING SUCKS!

one of the old ones.....

The thing that should not be done is done,

Accept that you are the one,

For eternity I am bound,

To be yours and only yours,

But something sprang up between us,

A demon like never before seen,

Her looks are magnetic,

Her thoughts are repulsive,

You flirted with her like a boy in love,

I saw you!

I felt water spilling from my pooled eyes,

But I could not let that happen,

I could not give up,

My life is still going on,

I was strong and always will be,

You have hurt my susceptibilities,

You have shaken me thoroughly,

But I did not collapse,

I can recover, I have a life,

I will continue with my life,

If our love is true, I will recover you!!!

(You will have the sense to come back to me!!)

p.s. ignore the last two lines........they are absolute crap!!.........written in my 9th grade.....i was a complete romantic idiot!!.......i bloody freaking gave this poem the title "love".......that tells you what the hell i was like!......not anymore........the last two lines should be along the range of......

I cannot believe i was so stupid,

Your loss, JACKASS!!

or......

You better be looking over your back,

Because i wont let you live in peace,

Till i get my revenge.......muahahahaha......

:P you get the point!! ;)

lucky me.......

these two gorgeous angels who i have had absolute joy of knowing and privilege of calling my friends!!..........through the good times, bad times.....insane times...........and stupid times...........they were never more than a call away, more often than not just a visit away!!............this twosome........this wonderful, giving twosome got me through some the worst and the best of times.....making sure i maintained a level head.........making sure i didnt lose control.........making sure i didnt get carried away.........making sure i remembered everthing that mattered!!

to say that i am lucky would be an understatement................so, for all the giggles, for all the laughs, for all the worries, for all the talk-sessions, for all our fights, for all our disagreements, for all our shopping sessions, for all of our nail-painting sessions, for all the times we went to sthree, for all the movies at imax, inox, pvr,..........for all of our times at each others homes, for all the times i made you cry(u know what i am talking about?! :P ).........for all of our guy-scanning times, for all the times we would burst into uncontrollable laughter without any reason, for all the times we pigged out, for the day i lost my cell, for all our trips to shilparamam, vizag,......, for all the walks to the station, for the craziness in maths labs, for completely losing it most(i.e. all) of 3rd year, for the lollipops and orange balls, for all the teas drunk together, for all the pani puris eaten, for all the phonecalls to b'lore, for listening to my blabbering for hours, for all our hugs, kisses and sleepovers..........for everything and for nothing!!...........THANK YOU...........love you sweethearts!!..........

indecisions........indecisions.......INDECISIONS!!??

this post was actually supposed to be about a topic that intrigued me when i saw a movie from my kitty of hidden gem-flicks called kinky boots(wonderful movie, must-watch that makes you appreciate who you are!!) anyway, i thought of exploring the very complex psyche of women and what *exactly* they wanted based on one of the dialogues of the movie!!....what indeed??!...someother time, i guess!!

......i changed my mind about the topic after a car drive with my dude.........to an exam center and back!!.....that was supposed to explore the complete transformation of my dude from a good driver to an absolute total show-off *playboy*.......not kidding.............also vent all my anger and frustrations about the utter disregard that most of the drivers of Hyderabad seem to posses and be proud of(?!)......also touch on my seething, boiling rage at my dude for expecting me to be PERFECT from my very first drive!!.....seriously dude, Rome want built in a day!!.....i WILL make mistakes! and then, learn from them.........duhhhh........

that very night one of my friends made my day and week, i might add, by telling me about the best experience of his life!!.....he went BUNGEE JUMPING.......fuck.......he actually jumped!! hell........now, i got so excited about this that i decided i was gonna fucking go all hyper on my blog's ass!!(if it has an ass?!!)........for those who dont know me, my only life ambition was to go to New Zealand and bungee jump there which i believed had the highest point!!.......i was recently corrected that the highest point was in fact in Colorado....! :D i continue to remain in a state of psychotic, hyper, giddiness of joy!....if you are wondering why?!......i not sure....but it is a combination of joy for his experience, jealousy and an unexplained anticipation of the rush of emotions that i expect myself to feel when i get to do it!!(beyond irrational, go figure!!??)

anyway, as i was staring at the blinking cursor it occurred to me.........what was i doing?! why was i thinking so much?!....why did i have to plan anything?!........let it flow......and flow freely...........to free my mind, i went through the millions of pictures on my computers(i have retained them, wohooooo.....!!) the thing about pictures is that not only they make you nostalgic but open your mind to the mistakes you make back then.......from really bad footwear choices to people you hung out with, who now, you have no clue where they are!!.......memories of friends and of family.....and a few strangers!!.....lol.........

each moment so different from the next..........each glance telling a different story.......each emotion so clear and yet hidden!!.......now, sitting and look at the past.....knowing how it all turned out till now.......i wonder would there have been different expressions, different people......different situations in those pictures??! if you knew the future?!........but then again, do you ever know the future? do you ever know what is gonna happen?! do you want to know it if givena choice??!(time machine.......whole another issue totally!!).......does it always go according to how you planned?! how you plan?!.........aaaaaahhhhhaaa.....do you have a plan?!......are you brave enough to face and survive if that plan doesnt work out?!

from personal experience, my plans never work!!......i mean, NEVER!!.......guaranteed......i plan and the exact opposite happens!!.......you might say....plan so that when the opposite happens that is what you actually wanted............hehehe.......for all you clever smart asses........i already figured that out and tried it to.......the result you might ask??! the outcome was so strange and unexpected that even in my wildest dreams did i think that something of that caliber is even remotely possible!!........catch my drift?!!

but you can never help making plans.........even unconsciously......there are plans being made!!.....what to eat, when to sleep, what to do.....from the smallest thing like when to pee to when to go out to avoid traffic to what to do in the future?!!.......my bloody, little, fucked-up brain is doing all this.........without your permission!!......screwing up the very body's life it takes refuge in..........so, what do you do?! what can you do?!.......like i said LET IT FLOW........go with the flow.......no worries.........no appointments with anyone or anything.........i have been soooo lucky because i didnt care......didnt bother to even acknowledge the fact that i will awake up the next day.........it worked wonders for me.........trying ever so hard to get back to that............blissfully unaware!!........carelessly ignorant!!.............not a worry in the world!!................the way a life should be lived!!

overhaul...

Everytime my computer gets an upgrade or a different operating system or one of the many reasons my dad comes up with to fiddle with it......i get very, very, very anxious....the fact of the matter is that all my data from my music to my pictures to my data are all stored on it!!.....you might say, well, duhhh........but you see i am one of those people who refuses to store all that data online!!......i know stupid and ignorant! but hey, i like to keep it that way!! besides once i start to store my data online i have to remember the userid and password.......and the other bloody stuff about it!!.....i have a hard enough time remembering it for my email as it is!.....and no, i am some net-challenged idiot who refuses to grow up with times.....just an numbskull who refuses to let go of her habits!!

So, everytime my dad gets the mood to change even the smallest thing about our pc, i have to scramble around getting all data together and storing it some place safe!......and boy is it tedious?!! because, lets face it....over a period of time you might have collected so much of data that it is impossible to sort through it and just keep what is necessary. and it is to be noted that i am a definite hoarder who gets attached to a particular topic and gets all the data that i could possibly collect about it! a couple of months back i was totally obsessed with cupcakes!!....seriously!!.....i believe it had something to do with sex and the city!.....anyway, i researched hundreds of websites, blogs and recipes.........and so, i had a folder of delicious, drool-worthy cupcake pictures and recipes(not that i would ever even think of making them but like i said "hoarding")...............and my obsession with the fact that i could somehow solve the "the bermuda triangle" and "jack the ripper" mysteries just by sitting at home and researching about it on the net(mostly wikipedia)......yes, i truly, honestly believed i would have found some clue that was soooooo obvious that everyone missed it even thought it was right in front of their eyes(i was that naive.......i think, i still am!!)..........anyway, this two mysteries lead of another couple of folders dedicated to them..........one of which i might add was filled with gruesome pictures of the victims of the ripper......dad was perplexed when he discovered those to say the least!!

But everytime, i invariably lose some data!.....most of it, remains with me unscathed......but some parts of it is lost......could a poem i found that descrbed my mood at that particular moment or a picture that made me laugh till my dad ran into the room wondering what the hell was going on or a folder of cupcake recipies!! it always starts with a heart-stopping moment.....followed by self-reassurances that it might be somewhere....stored in some other location and some other file!!.......after hours of searching through the numerous file and drives and shouting at my someone.........you realise that it is lost!! and then comes the crashing realization that all those pictures, quotes, suspects and your deductions of who might be the actual ripper are gone forever!

More than the loss of the data(lets face it, its all silly.......as if one of your theories that the bermuda triangle is a clever disguse by nature to transport people to another time and age is ever believable....even to your own ears??!!), its the loss of those memories that tugs at you! it is the long nights that you spent sitting with a pen and paper trying to figure out if the ripper murders formed a pentacle over london or trying to figure a strange algorithm which might point out to another bermuda triangle and how the number of people who disappeared is related to it?!........it is the feeling of never being able to get back to that state of mind........that time.....those thoughts!!.....in a way, it is growing up......it is letting go!

The process of letting go of people, habits, feelings, innocence, breaking childhood promises, never making mistakes, always being happy, not being stupid and a million other things attributed to "growing-up"........which i strongly protest!!......this terrifying sense of foreboding hits me everytime my dad even mention about anything related to the computer!!........but it is inevitable......you lose pictures, you lose information, you lose a piece of yourself.......everytime.....as much we want everything to remain the same.....we come to the very cliched saying..... *THINGS CHANGE.......ALWAYS*..........i fucking hate even thinking it......(it is killing me to acknowledge it).........you move on......you let go.....you grow up.......however reluctantly........you GROWN-UP!!

It is absolutely weird that a bunch of cupcake recipies and ridiculous derivations about the numerous mysteries of this world make you realize this fact.....while you stubbornly refuse to listen to the numerous elders and friends who try to drum this into your thick-skull..........the many wonders of the way life works.........teaches you.........in the end, makes you realize you did it all by yourself!! i really dont like it.........