overhaul...

Everytime my computer gets an upgrade or a different operating system or one of the many reasons my dad comes up with to fiddle with it......i get very, very, very anxious....the fact of the matter is that all my data from my music to my pictures to my data are all stored on it!!.....you might say, well, duhhh........but you see i am one of those people who refuses to store all that data online!!......i know stupid and ignorant! but hey, i like to keep it that way!! besides once i start to store my data online i have to remember the userid and password.......and the other bloody stuff about it!!.....i have a hard enough time remembering it for my email as it is!.....and no, i am some net-challenged idiot who refuses to grow up with times.....just an numbskull who refuses to let go of her habits!!

So, everytime my dad gets the mood to change even the smallest thing about our pc, i have to scramble around getting all data together and storing it some place safe!......and boy is it tedious?!! because, lets face it....over a period of time you might have collected so much of data that it is impossible to sort through it and just keep what is necessary. and it is to be noted that i am a definite hoarder who gets attached to a particular topic and gets all the data that i could possibly collect about it! a couple of months back i was totally obsessed with cupcakes!!....seriously!!.....i believe it had something to do with sex and the city!.....anyway, i researched hundreds of websites, blogs and recipes.........and so, i had a folder of delicious, drool-worthy cupcake pictures and recipes(not that i would ever even think of making them but like i said "hoarding")...............and my obsession with the fact that i could somehow solve the "the bermuda triangle" and "jack the ripper" mysteries just by sitting at home and researching about it on the net(mostly wikipedia)......yes, i truly, honestly believed i would have found some clue that was soooooo obvious that everyone missed it even thought it was right in front of their eyes(i was that naive.......i think, i still am!!)..........anyway, this two mysteries lead of another couple of folders dedicated to them..........one of which i might add was filled with gruesome pictures of the victims of the ripper......dad was perplexed when he discovered those to say the least!!

But everytime, i invariably lose some data!.....most of it, remains with me unscathed......but some parts of it is lost......could a poem i found that descrbed my mood at that particular moment or a picture that made me laugh till my dad ran into the room wondering what the hell was going on or a folder of cupcake recipies!! it always starts with a heart-stopping moment.....followed by self-reassurances that it might be somewhere....stored in some other location and some other file!!.......after hours of searching through the numerous file and drives and shouting at my someone.........you realise that it is lost!! and then comes the crashing realization that all those pictures, quotes, suspects and your deductions of who might be the actual ripper are gone forever!

More than the loss of the data(lets face it, its all silly.......as if one of your theories that the bermuda triangle is a clever disguse by nature to transport people to another time and age is ever believable....even to your own ears??!!), its the loss of those memories that tugs at you! it is the long nights that you spent sitting with a pen and paper trying to figure out if the ripper murders formed a pentacle over london or trying to figure a strange algorithm which might point out to another bermuda triangle and how the number of people who disappeared is related to it?!........it is the feeling of never being able to get back to that state of mind........that time.....those thoughts!!.....in a way, it is growing up......it is letting go!

The process of letting go of people, habits, feelings, innocence, breaking childhood promises, never making mistakes, always being happy, not being stupid and a million other things attributed to "growing-up"........which i strongly protest!!......this terrifying sense of foreboding hits me everytime my dad even mention about anything related to the computer!!........but it is inevitable......you lose pictures, you lose information, you lose a piece of yourself.......everytime.....as much we want everything to remain the same.....we come to the very cliched saying..... *THINGS CHANGE.......ALWAYS*..........i fucking hate even thinking it......(it is killing me to acknowledge it).........you move on......you let go.....you grow up.......however reluctantly........you GROWN-UP!!

It is absolutely weird that a bunch of cupcake recipies and ridiculous derivations about the numerous mysteries of this world make you realize this fact.....while you stubbornly refuse to listen to the numerous elders and friends who try to drum this into your thick-skull..........the many wonders of the way life works.........teaches you.........in the end, makes you realize you did it all by yourself!! i really dont like it.........