creep up, DAMN IT......why cant it just creep up??!

have you ever wondered why is that any feeling or emotion always hits you like a bolt of lightning?! why it is always a surprise when do you realize it?! how come you never expect it? why does it never, ever for the love of god creep up?

why does it not give you the time to let you get adjust to that feeling, to that emotion?! even if you do see it coming, it does surprise you and completely befuddle you when it does hit you!?

why is this? why is it so?! i mean, i thought it was just me! but i have been proven wrong......my best friends completely broke down when i least expected them to!....one on a auto ride and another while leaving my house!.....i mean, when you know and are expecting it........it should not surprise you when you discover it....but it does?! why? why? WHY?!

i did not realize the fact that i missed my dude, i mean truly miss his presence till it was almost 8 months after he left to varanasi since he got posted there! knowing the fact that he was moving to another city and i would not be seeing him everyday was completely different from truly accepting it and coming to terms with it........by the way, it did happen in my maths period at my college when i broke down into heavy sobs hugging my friends!

even now, i miss my moma at weird times like at night when she usually pops her head into my bedroom to check why i have not slept yet or our early morning tea which we usually share before i go to sleep after she had just woke up and i had been awake all night!.....i do believe that i am dealing with my moma's absence a lot better than i ever dealt with my dude's.......i basically thought i was emotionally stunted......but i now have to terms with the fact that it hits you at the weirdest of times.......you never actually expect it or are prepared for it or anticipate it!.....

and when it does hit you...all that pent up emotions just hits the roof!!......you are all over the place.......dealing with all the suppressed bullshit all at once........sobbing like you have no tomorrow.....and that sucks!......because while these tears are streaming down your face, you curse yourself for not knowing, for not seeing this coming, for not realising the enormity of it! it makes you feel worthless.........like a piece of shit......someone who has no knowledge about themselves......absolutely no self-control!!!...........damn it.......damn it........DAMN IT!!!!

IT JUST PLAIN, FUCKING SUCKS!