waiting around......

for the past couple of weeks, my life for the next couple of months seems to be all about waiting for stuff!!.....yeah, yeah.....you don't have to wait for stuff to happen to you......you have to go out and get it!!..........grab the bull by its horns........or balls??!............

but, it isn't easy.......is it?!......the next waiting around i am doing is for a trip......to go and be with my soulmate......and just forget about everything for a little while!!........but i'll never actually, completely forget it, will i?!......its always there at the back of my mind......poking me.....nudging me.........reminding me!!........and after the trip........a couple of arrivals!!.....which i'm really looking forward to say the least.........being with my moma......just enjoying the summer!!

i wish that was all there is to it......but.....it is the fact that i have a very important half result of a very important exam due in april......followed by another test whose result will be out in june!! this waiting for almost more than 3 months to find out if my life will follow the path that i intended to isn't doing any favours to my state of mind!!.......this being the biggest weight on my shoulders!!......And importantly, i'm NOT PATIENT at all!!........I HATE WAITING!!!......

the most affected parts of me by this seem to be my sleep and my appetite!!........i accept that i have always had problems with them.........this new developments are added concern which again is causing worry which result in more loss of sleep and appetite........basically, it's like a "vicious circle".......and honestly speaking, i don't know a way out of it!!! I have become unnecessarily emotional and irritated about literally everything due to this!!

its like all my life is being sucked out, waiting........just bloody, fucking waiting for what is supposed to happen!!......and there is absolutely nothing i can do to hasten it!!........believe me, if i could have, i would have!!......i am left to trying to ignore this......the anticipation.....the looking forward to it.......the constant state of expectation..........its something like......an animal waiting to pounce on its prey..........how long can anyone stay in that position.......in that animated yet very suspended state of life........of just waiting.......waiting to know if you were successful.........

so, how long before it becomes too much?! how long before you stop feeling anything because you have tried to numb the one thing that is bugging you and you end up numbing everything else but that one thing??! how long before it hurts constantly?! how long before you can't take it anymore??! how long before you give up??!.............am i supposed to "wait" for these answers too???!!